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Blogsequences
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Archive
18th February 2007 to 24th February 2007 2.5 minutes. The time it takes for the moon to rise above the horizon. The same time as it takes for Amelie to get of bed. Her man Jimmy has to make her a cup of tea and massage her feet before she can drag herself to the bathroom. The washing process is a major task that cant be rushed. She starts with a shower 25th February 2007 to 3rd March 2007 and wonders why there is a spider on the ceiling. She panics and aims the shower at the defenceless spider. Stunned by the force of the spray of water, the spider retaliates by shooting a line of super-tensile web at her, quickly enveloping her in a sticky shroud as she screams in terror. A scream abruptly ended as the web seals her mouth and nose, leaving her unable to breathe! She struggles in vain to break free, and as consciousness slips from her, her eyes widen in terror as she realises the spider is descending towards her, its multitude of eyes gleaming wickedly, and its poisoned barb poised to strike. Quickly she ducked under the mushroom, but in doing so, dropped the key in the long grass. Just as she reached for the key, the biggest magpie she had ever seen swooped down and grabbed it with its beak. but it was ok. The clever little minx has a secret one under the 3rd flower pot to the right. So she grabbed it and dived through the door. Once inside she stopped hyperventilating and stood in complete shock. The giant gherkin was pulsating in a most alarming manner. She could smell the pheromone pumping out of it's dark green skin. They stood there looking intensely at each other. Was it attraction, could she really be physically attracted to a giant gherkin? She felt a bead of sweat run down her back. The giant Gherkin moved towards her, she hesitated then pulled out her giant pickle fork. Aiming at the belly of the beast, she cried "begone, foul creature!" and threw the fork straight at the beasts head. The fork flew through the air like a dart and impailed the creature in the eye. With its other eye it beamed, for such petulant retribution only served to excite it. "What have I done?" she sang as she skipped away. 4th March 2007 to 10th March 2007 She really enjoyed skipping. Much more fun than just walking. She skipped everywhere. She was skipping mad. She even skipped on buses and trains, up and down the aisles. Once she trod on a pensioner's toe and got hit on the head with a bag of satsumas. She headed for the checkout where she bought all her grocerys and licked her lips at all the naughty creme eggs she had bought. The checkout person failed to recognise the excitment on her face and took her time in the drawn out process. But once she had completed her chip and pin she ran with her trolley to the poor donkey waiting. Embarking on their journey once again, they had only been travelling for about 20 minutes when she was utterly shocked to hear the donkey speak! "Well! Crikey-o-riley missus! You're asking a bit much, ain'tcha?? Plod plod plod, that's all I do these days, an not so much as a sandwich to tide me over! Well, I've had ENOUGH!", and with that the donkey stopped, pitched forward, and catapulted her through the air onto the tarmac ahead. The donkey, whose name was Archibald, trotted away. After all, he had better things to do. Today was donkey discount day in the biscuit shop. trevor, the confused thrustle slept in a green underground cat pawed throat tree by the one legged pond wardens 3 mile washing line, he dreamt of shiny shoes and cabbage worms made by the good lord, who by that time, had sadly passed on. 11th March 2007 to 17th March 2007 On the other side of the wood lived a wolf. The wolf was very sad because instead of being born like normal wolves he had been drawn and then brought to life by a magician. Unfortunately the original drawing had not been very lifelike and all the other wolves teased him. So he had become a recluse. 17th June 2007 to 23rd June 2007 In order to solve this he went and had some plastic surgery and now came out looking like a scallop. Yes, a scallop-headed wolf. Who dares say there is no such thing as Intelligent Design. My grandfather I think said that once, although he doesn't like wolves much so can you really take his word for it? 24th June 2007 to 30th June 2007 The answer is simple. No, you can't. Grandfather notoriously hates wolves and all animals in fact. For a better opinion you'd better ask Aristotle. But where is Aristotle when you need him? 1st July 2007 to 7th July 2007 Naturally, he's driving the coastline of California in his brand new pumpkin-converted stagecoach. It's a shame that he doesn't like pumpkins Meanwhile insidious choices were being made by people in positions of power. Once he gets there, he'll probably cook and eat it, but at the moment it's serving its purpose. Then again, why would he cook something of such a foul nature? The lady looked at him. He needed to look into himself, to the depth of his thoughts. His underwear was tight. A little too tight. Not the nice kind of tight, but the kind that would distract you from the important task at hand. A man once told me, "A task at hand isn't worth your time unless it has value." So he then cut the hand off and sold it into slavery. The hand quietly served its time, waiting till the day it could set the hand peoples free. The face peoples were very jealous of this. Understandably so, because twenty years previous (ly?) a curse had been put upon them by a troubled trainee witch. She hadn't meant to do it - but due to an administrative error she had shrunk them to the size of lentils. Although, in retrospect, it was entirely their fault that it worked for the hand peoples now. The face peoples were known for being a little vacant between the ears, so it wasn't much of a surprise when, in broad daylight, a clan of thousands (in possession of a little over two eyes each) completely missed their ritual boxes steady slide out of the village. They'd also had to wonder about the fingerprints. Suddenly, silence was with everyone, and "Shoop da woop" was the last thing any of them heard. A mysterious man had arrived. Via the medium of a DVD recording. Everyone's jaws dropped in awe. Then the crowd looked at one other in confusion. "We must heed the words of the mysterious man!" shouted one. Then suddenly- the mysterious man appeared to the south bringing good tidings of peanuts and beer. Although the beer didn't taste that nice - so he kicked the poor mysterious man to the floor and doused his body in petrol. He then proceeded to rub two sticks together until one of them turned into a rattlesnake and bit the mysterious man in the backside . The mysterious man then proceeded to convulse until he turned a bright tinge of A dirty honey soaked rag, he proceeded to vomit gingerbread all over the couch. soft pink with orange spots, of course the cat found this rather amusing because pink and orange were her favourite colours . only on a Tuesday though- she preferred saurice on Saturdays and Fridays and was colourblind on every other day and public holidays - besides Christmas of course Anyway the cat had just noticed the return of the scallop-headed wolf that had since evolved into a small cartoon dragon ;but not any small cartoon dragon - a DARK small cartoon dragon! The cat then called on it's best magic cartoon friend, which was a goldfish - and the Battle was on, until the mysterious man woke up and tickled everything around him. It was a well known fact that the mysterious man was invincible, and the burns from the petrol were mere flesh wound. In fact the mysterious man had once defeated both himself and the dark mysterious man in a Sumo match. Anyway the mysterious man, you know the ugly guy with long yellow hair and tatoo of a snowman on his posterior, will perish in the next page... believe me The sentance below is true The sentence above is false. Then Unfortunately my narrative skills had been lacking since I stopped taking my prescription and I began to show minor signs of confusion. Which is strange, because no-one in my family has any history of being a miner of any sort. Actually I always wanted to be a miner when i was small. That is much more fun than being confused, but sometimes you just don't have the choice. This is making me sleepy. "Then sleep may be the best option" said the doctor. "Here, lie down on this ... er.. bench thing." He turned his back and busied himself with some conical flasks. The flasks were filled with different-coloured liquids, each with a dismembered body part floating embalmed in a bright, shiny concoction. OMG!! OMG!! IM GONNA DIE!" He screamed. With a single bound he jumped up from his prison and grabbed onto the rusty bars hanging from the ceiling. Grabbing the bars, he pulled with all his might and managed to break free from his captivity. he's free now. but for how long? how long will it take him to get succumbed to his thought? How long until he gets captured again? So many questions, I knew who I could turn to for an answer, Benjamin. Mr. Franklin will help me. I will buy some liquor and all problems solved. Thanks. Benjamin strode towards the edge of the cliff. Probably golfing. Or so they all thought. In fact, he had more devious intentions. His eyes shifted nervously. He reached into his pocket and slipped on a golden ring. Instantly, he turned into a Donkey. It was time to resume the role of Archibald the Talking Donkey. "EEEEeeeeee Eahhhhhhhhh! I'm Archibald the Talking Donkey here to help you live a clean life! But it was a dirty life that Archibald taught. And what a dirty life it was. Needless to say, mud was involved. Frequently. Pulsating gherkins were recommended, but not entirely required. (the mysterious man's alternate method did, in fact, require said gherkins.) However the mysterious man's method sucked. He was no longer invincible because he wasn't real. He had been brought to life in a similar manner to the scallop-headed wolf in that he was carved by his father Geppetto, and brought to life by the Blue Fairy. Whenever the mysterious man told a lie his nose grew and grew; and whenever he told the truth gherkins flowed from his left ear. This was to the effect of pumpkins. Lots and lots of pumpkins. Peter north I mean Ralph. Good old Ralph the animated marionette. The one time he actually brought frog legs to school was the most memorable and saddening for the teacher. But that was last Christmas, which was only memorable to the teacher because the great goose from Squirrelville was bludgeoned to death with a giant matchstick by Amelie, who set it up to look like an accident. Actually that was a lie. None of this Paragraph ever happened. It's really an extended metaphor for life. Explore your creative side with an online game of consequences. Or explore your uncreative side with offline game of chess. Or don't explore at all, because, frankly, exploring requires to much effort and I myself am LAZY! People who are lazy... meh. MEOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! Said the cat. And to the mosque the cat went. On the way there, it encountered a hole in the road. A purple fox crawled out of the hole and acknowledged the cats presence in a friendly way. But the cat saw through the fox's treachery. The cat had figured back in 'nam that purple foxes were members of the viet cong. The fox's use of a tunnel was further incriminating. 8th July 2007 to 14th July 2007 The name of that fox was Colin. The cat was thus highly suspicious of this purple fox, and hissed at it furiously, hoping to scare it away. Taken aback by this threat, the fox shouted out a warning to the cat before running away, "Beware the false signs of tranquility!" Then there was silence. The Cat's suspicion grew... Was this the evil of which the fox had warned? Suddenly it's lament grew. Why had it shown such contempt for such a beautiful creature? The cat was a monster. It had seven ears, eighteen legs, and two rows of 100 sharpened teeth. The cat had three red eyes, each looking in different directions. At the end of its tail was a spiked ball. Its fur was a rough as sandpaper. 15th July 2007 to 21st July 2007 LOL The cat was pretty ugly as well. Very ugly in fact. So ugly that Look! A diversion! The cat went to have cosmetic surgery but feared it would end up looking like the unfortunate wolf. Alas, the cat's fate turned out to be something much worse. Inside the surgeon's there was a tremendous snail . The snail was the last of a dieing breed, as it was the Queen of England of 2087! Plus it was also a manatee which is like a dugong. Not to be confused with the town in New South Wales, Australia called Dungog. 22nd July 2007 to 28th July 2007 Suddenly, the assembled masses burst into a rousing chorus. Myriads of roller-skating wildebeest crashed onto the scene, each dressed just like someone from a 1980s keep-fit video, complete with custard headbands and mauve leg-warmers. Then, quite unexpectedly, night fell from a high shelf. It landed filling the entire teapot with darkness. Soon the darkness went away and light filled the inside of the teapot, revealing inside a small, yet crispy chicken tender. 29th July 2007 to 4th August 2007 Disappointingly the resulting christmas turkey was a decapitated artichoke farmer's uncle's slave's pumpkin's godfather's cricket bat. With a small degree of warning, Amelie rekindled her interest in living. She made a cup of tea. 12th August 2007 to 18th August 2007 Her son asked, "a cup of tea... why not a game on an electronic games console?" 26th August 2007 to 1st September 2007 "because i'll get RSI!" She replied. Then spat in the ignorant child's deformed face. 9th September 2007 to 15th September 2007 The child's face re-formed immediately, becoming the exact shape of a lemon, but green with pink spots. These weren't the kind of spots you'd find on a dog, but more like the spots or rather patches that can be observed on a giraffe. Everyone likes a giraffe. Except Henry. Poor Henry had an irrational fear of giraffes, because as a child he witnessed a terrible event involving a pair of the long-limbed ungulates. It started when 30th September 2007 to 6th October 2007 a line bisected an acute angle. 7th October 2007 to 13th October 2007 Only to die a slow death when the line never received any sentences to have friends with. 14th October 2007 to 20th October 2007 One day you'll see that everything you have ever done is a speck of dust in the eye of eternal nothingness destined for an unknown equation to an unknown question asked by a faceless mute with no possible answer. 28th October 2007 to 3rd November 2007 Sadly this is true. Amelie herself formulated this theory while in Brasil. She'd been studying the nation's proud history of postage stamps and knitwear. 11th November 2007 to 17th November 2007 ADVERTISE SOMEWHERE! this site used to be so funnnnn 18th November 2007 to 24th November 2007 ... thought Amelie. 17th February 2008 to 23rd February 2008 But then fun isn't much fun any more. Sensing a new warmth in the room, she turned abruptly, and gasped, even before the tap came on her shoulder. "Oh. It's you. I thought I told you I didn't want to see you again." "Yes I know". Came the reply. "But I can't live without the scent of your skin nearby. I.... I love you." 24th February 2008 to 1st March 2008 "What do I smell of?" she was puzzled. 2nd March 2008 to 8th March 2008 Not just because of the smell, but also because of the mysql problems blogsequences was having. she walked forward and pushed the parrot that was in the cage onto the floor 9th March 2008 to 15th March 2008 . The crashing parrot caused the mysql problem to occur, thus meaning until the parrot was picked up by the her, the webmaster, the archive would not be viewable. 16th March 2008 to 22nd March 2008 The God & the Devil 30th March 2008 to 5th April 2008 didn't have any idea that she was about to shave her head. So the alien informed the pokemon of the necessity to wear a wig. However Sir Alan Sugar However S.A.S saw that it was not an alien but the fabled 800 lb gorilla called credit-default derivatives or OTC Derivatives recorded at the Bank for International Settlements. S.A.S was one of the few who really knew along time ago that the paper mountain was out of control and why the Bank's gold was going walk-about...yes, today's credit-crunch was going to happen in the late 1990's but few knew. Even today few really understand as the 800 lb gorilla stalks the City bringing banks to their knees. There may have been an escape route back in the late 1990's but today there appears to be none at all. The trillions of worthless debt or credit-default derivatives called financial sewage or weapons of mass financial destruction is incredibly not understood by even OxBridge Scholars but the cat is out the bag 6th April 2008 to 12th April 2008 it meows loudly |